Avoidance

I've been avoiding this blog lately because I've been running away from a series of different emotions. The "best" blog posts come late at night when I'm drowning in my feelings. In an effort to regain control I sleep before those feelings have a chance to resurface. I don't want to get back into that vulnerable space. The one where I face my demons or blab to the internet about whatever is troubling me. Today, however, I've decided to sit down and write about what's been bothering me. I may not go into much detail but here's a short synopsis on what's been going on behind the scenes. 

  • I've been going to A LOT of wedding events! While it's all glitz and glamour on Instagram, the sad truth is that weddings bring out my deepest insecurities. In a world full of beautiful people it's hard not to compare yourself to every girl around you. I wanted to skip every dance practice because I felt like my thighs were 4x the size of everyone else's. I really wish I wasn't an insecure human being so I could float through life unscathed, but it's been a neverending struggle. At this point in life, I want to settle down and find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Sadly, every guy I crush on ends up liking a thinner/prettier friend of mine so... there's that.. I just want to be desired! I hate that I play into this lonely desperate girl trope. 
  • I'm slowly getting over my post-college depression. My job is stimulating and I'm blessed to work for a global skincare brand, but there are a lot of days I want to disappear. In an ideal world, I'd be in Italy reading, swimming, and eating cheese. 
  • I currently have no real goals or life purpose. I've always been someone with a plan and lately, I've just been wingin' it. I need to sit down and map out what I want to accomplish but I'm stuck in a mental rut. Every now and then jolts of inspiration will hit, but remaining consistent has been difficult. There are so many things I've planned to do in the future but now that I've graduated.. the future is now.. 
  • I constantly forgive people that don't deserve my forgiveness which leads to a lot of inner turmoil and pent-up anger. I don't know how to forgive and forget. How can I forget when I'm really not over what happened. How can I forget when I'm constantly triggered or in situations that bring me real pain?  
  • A lot of friends have really hurt me in the past only for me to never say anything. There are a lot of times I've cried over people who have NO idea any of these feelings even exist. That bothers me. From here on out, I'm going to be more upfront about the way people make me feel. My feelings are valid. My feelings are valid. My feelings are valid. 
  • I want more out of my friendships. There isn't enough time in a day for hangouts that leave me drained and wanting more. I want to surround myself with people that inspire/energize me. Some days I think I'm asking for too much and other days I am bare minimum twitter. Prioritizing who really matters has been hard now that I'm on such a strict schedule. 

I miss my old life. I enjoy my new life. This transition phase of life has been difficult to say the least.