The Idea of Someone

I haven’t written on this blog in a minute. It’s hard for me to write because what I’m dealing with isn’t something I necessarily want to write about. I’ve always valued transparency but it’s hard to write a post about someone without naming them, painting them in a negative light, or seeming as though I’m someone who still cares.

Even when talking to others about the situation I’m unable to word it. Why do I continue to talk to someone who does nothing but make me feel uneasy? Someone who is of no value to me. I know it won’t lead anywhere but I can’t let go of what could’ve been. If I listened to my own advice I would’ve ghosted him years ago, but it’s much easier said than done.

I love to believe that everything happens for a reason. This quote is what gets me through the day-to-day challenges faced. I live by this quote.

But have you ever been in love with the idea of someone? You’re disillusioned – The boy in front of you is nothing compared to what your mind has conjured up. I’m guilty of letting my imagination turn nothing into something more than a handful of times.

Years ago you dropped me for a girl who was 100x better than me. All my insecurities came to light. I was never enough back then. Now, I’m finally the girl I wanted to be. Maybe I still talk to you because want it to be acknowledged. I’ve accomplished so much since then. I’m now totally out of your league. But why do I still feel like I’m not enough? You can’t make someone care about you, and I always thought that my accomplishments would make me someone worth caring about.

Trust the timing of your life. I want to believe that it will all mean something in the end. Maybe timing was the issue back then. Maybe it’s still the issue. This idea that everything will play out in the end is something I’ve clung to. Booboo the damn fool strikes again.