I’ve been doing a lot of new things to better myself (reciting a morning mantra, journaling when I wake up, weight training) My head hasn’t been in the right space, and I’m trying to get back on my bullshit. A lot of my current issues have to deal with the unrealistic expectations I place on others. In every relationship (platonic or not) there will always be one person more invested than the other. Oftentimes I catch myself on the side of the spectrum where I want others to just chill out. “Yikes! They like me way too much” rolls off my tongue in an ice queen sorta way. Recently however I’ve been the overbearing type. I want everyone to love me as much as I love them. You’re saying that you don’t want to hang out for 3-5 hours everyday? How dare you! I recognize that these emotions are arising due to graduation in eight months. Hangouts will be reduced to once every three years rather than daily. I will no longer live a few floors above my friends. You could say I’m being overdramatic but I’ve witnessed this before. When my older friends graduated I went from seeing them every second of my life to scheduling lunch dates with them that almost never work out due to conflicting schedules… and this is before everyone has spouses and children!!!

I don’t want to come off as the needy friend. The too cool for school attitude is so 2013, yet here I am. Watering down my emotions so I don’t come off as the crazy friend who is “too much.” Words of affirmation is my love language, and I wish others showed that they cared more often. As much as I enjoy my independence it’s hard not having that one person to lean on. My best gal pals are blessed to have their boyfriends to turn to when things get difficult. Sadly, I don’t have that going for me. I have plenty of good friends in my life, but I haven’t had a go-to best friend in a while. Someone to call when something major happens, someone to hold my hair back, someone I experience everything with, someone who I can tell anything to without fear of judgement. Relationships on TV are so glamorized. In real life, your bestie will go behind your back and steal your boyfriend. In real life, your friends will talk trash about you with your mutuals on iMessage. In real life, things are messy and complicated.

I’m currently learning to depend on others less. You are your own best friend. Chant it with me people.