Confidence is a weird thing. Some days you feel like a million bucks, and other days you feel like 25 cents. Some days you love yourself. You wake up admiring how you look without makeup. You strut your stuff around the room to Beyonce on full blast. Other days, you can’t stand to look in a mirror. You skip the party because you feel too fat in your clothes. Some days you disguise it, and other days your insecurity is written all over your face. I’ve struggled with confidence my entire life, and thought I’d ramble a little bit about it down below.

When I was little I was next level thin. Kids teased me and called me “skinny sticks” or “bones” which is ironic because all I want in life is to be skinny. I’ve always had this obsession with vanity. My mom has always been beautiful, and I’ve always wanted to have others think of me in that same way. I’ve always felt as though I had this potential I wasn’t fully reaching. When I was younger I would make a checklist of things I needed to do to reach this “pretty” status. Maybe if I lost the glasses, lost the facial hair, got braces, etc I would finally be pretty. Eventually I checked off all those little bullets, yet gained weight at the same time. I was no longer a size double zero.

I know to lose some of the insecurities I should just lose the weight. However, it’s hard as fuck when you’re in college. It’s also hard when you love food as much as I do. I relate food to fun (follow @hungriman on insta) Food is a sense of comfort. I like to think that compared to other people I eat really freaking clean. I go to the gym quite often. I need to try harder, but it’s hard when you have a million other things going on. I live on my own, and cook my own meals. I try to balance all that college has to offer. Today I was in class/meetings from 10 am to 7 pm. I literally ate whatever was in front of me. It’s hard to be choosy when you have no time.

I’m not seriously overweight or anything but watching Kate’s storyline on This Is Us really affected me. I understood her when she told Toby “sorry, but it’ll always be about the weight for me” I RELATE KATE. I will never be able to function in a relationship with this insecurity dawning over me. Thoughts often: “Oh maybe he would like me if I wasn’t fat” “Maybe I won’t get that job because they want a skinny girl” “Why am I the only one eating cake at this party”

I wanted 2017 to be the year of self-love and confidence. I haven’t totally failed, but i’ve thrown more pity parties than I care to admit. I need to stop caring so much about what other people have to say. I should just focus on my personality, and being a better person. I spend countless hours reading articles on confidence. I read the self help books, and watch the TED Talks. I watch plus sized models talk about loving themselves and their curves. I know one isn’t defined by whether or not men find them attractive. I GET IT. I KNOW THAT IS WHAT I SHOULD THINK. But when I’m at a party surrounded by size 0’s feeling like a beluga whale I can never find a way to channel my inner Ashley Graham and love my curves or whatever. My friends are all so pretty and tiny. Even the ones who weren’t tiny are now tiny. EVEN KHLOE KARDASHIAN IS TINY NOW. When all my friends rant about all the guys sliding into their DM’s while no one has tried to holla at me in ages I can’t help but deeply sigh.

So now here I am, in college still stressing over the same insecurities. Why does being pretty matter to me so much? I know it’s society and the bullshit it spews. I understand it’s the media feeding us this ridiculous idea that we’re supposed to look like super models, even though their covers are all the results of retouching. That celebrities have personal trainers, chefs, stylists, a glam squad, yet owe their looks to drinking large amounts of water.

This post is slightly pathetic, but it’s late at night and I wanted to write about it. But yeah don’t get me wrong there are some days I’m like “ur a bad freaking bitch!! you look so good girly!! slay!!” Basically, the less time I spend alone overthinking, the happier I am. I want to be a girl who isn’t so heavy all the time. I want to be a breath of fresh air. I want to try clothes on in a fitting room without wanting to cry. I want to walk into a room with the confidence of a thousand suns. So here I am laying my insecurities out on this blog hoping there’s someone out there who can #relate. If you want to chat about it hmu, I’m currently finding ways to cope by going to the gym often, dressing for myself, not chasing the attention of people who have hurt me repeatedly, laughing more, and lighting more candles.