I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it feels like to have someone care about you as more than a friend. Don’t know what it’s like to go on a date. This sounds sad, but the reality is that I’m perfectly okay with being alone. I’ve always been alone. However, there are definitely times a sad Indian song will come on and I’ll cry about never finding someone.

when being alone sucks: winter, dances, watching rom-coms, listening to indian songs, weddings, long walks, when reading summer romance novels, not being able to open the pasta sauce jar, moving into your apartment and lifting heavy boxes, valentines day

I’m so used to being alone that I can’t even imagine someone else barging into my life. How does one get so vulnerable? Are y’all not afraid of being broken up with? I’ve always been afraid of people close to me leaving. It’s something I’ve been working on. I was ghosted once before so now I try to stay away from situations that could leave me feeling broken. It took me a long time to get to this point of strength/confidence and I don’t want to take any steps backwards. I love doing what I want, when I want. I don’t like the thought of someone out there controlling me. There are so many girls around me in unhealthy relationships that I can’t even recognize what’s normal and what’s not anymore. I’m 100% the friend you go to with relationship problems even though I have nothing to base my advice on. It truly upsets me when I meet girls who don’t know how to be on their own. Learn to be alone before you dump your problems on someone else! Eat a meal by yourself. Take out your own trash. You’ll grow as a person. If you need a support system when the loneliness hits I got your back. We can watch a movie. Don’t let boredom or loneliness be the reason you keep crawling back to your crappy ex.

So why am I such a pessimist when it comes to love? Probably because I’ve never found someone I consider “worthy.” Literally, a girl will be double majoring in medicine + engineering, own a side business, work a high paying job, bake, yet will settle for a dude who works at a finance company with a C- personality. Do y’all not want the best? If I have to work hard af to be the best I want to be with the best. Also, marriage is very important to me. I don’t date for fun, I’m a young Pakistani girl. That’s not a thing. Because I was raised with a marriage mindset I take everything way too seriously. I’ll meet a semi-cute dude only to plan our entire future out in ten seconds. Will our parents get along? What are your career goals? Who did you vote for in the last election? Do you even vote? Do you think SNL skits are funny? Can you dolphin call? Who are your friends? What are your thoughts on well everything? After mentally answering all of these questions myself I realize he isn’t “the one” and immediately proceed to put myself in the friend-zone.

There are definitely nights I feel lonely as hell. I’ll be sitting there with Channa Mereya Unplugged on repeat with my halo top ice cream crying about how no one likes me. What do I not have that other girls do? Truthfully, most days it sucks being alone, but I love it at the same time. It’s hard to put into words. I don’t want to be with someone, but I don’t want this feeling of not being enough. Because I sure as hell am enough, regardless of whether or not boys are pining after me. When I’m feeling low I turn to my friends. I have a variety of people in my life who fulfill different roles. Some hype me up, some tell me how it is, some tell me to get tf over whatever is bothering me. Some friends are for thrift shopping, some are to go to brunch with, some to study with, some to work out with. Some friends are for partying and others are for movie nights and long conversation. If I can accept that everyone in my life has a different role why am I expecting this one imaginary boy to encompass it all? So silly of me to have this childish notion that there’s someone out there who completes me. I am already a whole. There is no other half, there is just someone out there who compliments your personality and helps you grow in the right direction.

I’m thankful to be this comfortable with myself. It took me a long freaking time to get to this point. Currently looking for someone who makes me better and will listen to me go on long pointless rants. Someone who tells me to calm down, and that everything will be okay in the end. Currently not looking for a dose of heartbreak or unrequited love.