It’s been so long since I’ve written something involving my emotions and I think it’s because I haven't really been myself since I graduated. A lot of it probably has to do with the fact that I have no idea who I am at this stage in my life. So much of my identity was embedded in being this over-achieving college student, and without that crutch to lean on I’ve felt constant waves of freedom wrapped in heavy loss. HOWEVER, I am back to my old self after an energizing trip to Dallas this weekend that reminded me who I am at my core.. Theres’s who you are when you’re putting on an elaborate act, and then there’s the raw unfiltered version of you. The you that feels at ease and doesn’t think before she speaks because she isn’t afraid of judgement or repercussions.
I always get a kick out of it when people realize I am nothing like they had assumed I would be. I’ve managed to suppress it, but I am quite literally Doodlebob. It’s such a Forever 21 graphic tee thing to say but I am a true weirdo.. A crackhead as they say in 2018. For a while I told myself that I just wanted to feel special in this large world and that all of us are weirdos, but upon closer inspection I’ve realized that it’s not the case. There are some very normal people out there… Sometimes I’ll say things and everyone will have a stunned look on their face and that’s the moment I know I’m alone on that topic. I’m “quirky” and even though the word makes me want to vomit I think it’s about time I embraced that part of myself whole heartedly.
These past few months I spent a lot of time with people that either reminded me of the past, which inevitably brought me pain, or with people that I couldn’t be my true self around because they would think I was “weird.” In their ridiculous world it’s gross to use twitter, thrift shop, eat gluten, go to too many events, or run around a neighborhood on a broom pretending you’re a natural born witch… aka all the things I do frequently. The sad part is that I didn’t even realize how much I was holding back until today. In an effort to fit in with those around me I held a lot of myself in! But it’s all over now! I’m making a pact with myself to not expend any energy on people who leave me feeling incomplete. To stop begging people to care about me as much as I care about them, and to let go of those feelings entirely so I can move forward with my life. I want to spend more time with people who bring out my wit, make me laugh, and inspire me to be a better human. Upwards and onwards as they say! (I actually have no idea who says this)